Ann Arbor’s Lost Campfire Carp Recipe

Ann Arbor, Mich.– Field Correspondent M.T. POCKET files this report:

As humans strive to cure cancer, solve the world’s energy needs and explore space, the scientific community forgets Carp fishing represents the pinnacle of human achievement: Carp fishing can solve world hunger.

For 121 years, Ann Arbor, Michigan’s most prestigious Carp-fishing families from Barton Hills to Stony Brook guarded the secret to cooking this gourmet delicacy. After extensive research, Ann Arbor’s “Lost Campfire Carp Recipe” is revealed to the masses in this article.

Trying to catch Carp with a bread-ball for bait is as difficult as engineering a cold-fusion nuclear reactor.

Modern American angler’s aim their complicated fly-fishing gear or foot-long tandem lures for more predictable, boring and tasteless Salmon or Trout. They forget the challenging sport of tricking highly intelligent Carp with a bread-ball attached to a hook on the river bottom.

The art of standing on a riverbank for hours waiting to catch Carp poses many challenges to human endurance. The mystery of why people choose salmon or trout fishing over the glory of waiting for a giant bread-ball to soak-up water challenges psychoanalytic theory.

This is not a Carp or the Huron River

Most people don’t ignore Carp fishing because they forgot the Space-Age bread-ball-on-hook technology; They just forgot the ancient cooking technology used to properly prepare this gourmet delicacy– and the recipe doesn’t involve removing a mythical “mud vein” running across the back of this most noble of game fish.

Originally imported by European settlers wanting the taste of the Old Country, this delicacy is forgotten by most anglers– mainly because they believe Carp taste like “Old Country.”

So here it is, people, the most sought after CARP RECIPE of all time– almost lost forever due to better judgment:

ANN ARBOR’S LOST CAMPFIRE CARP RECIPE

INGREDIENTS AND SUPPLIES:

One dead Carp, one pound of salt, one 2×4 board cut from a White Pine tree, one oven mitt and one crowbar.
DIRECTIONS:
FIRST– Find a dead Carp. Never oven-cook or stove-top cook a Carp. It’s a noble game fish meant for the great outdoors. Cook Carp over a roaring campfire. So…
SECOND– Start a campfire. Take the salt and season a White Pine 2×4 board.
THIRD– Using a hammer and nails, attach your delicious Carp to the 2×4 board. With the oven mitt, place the board on a roaring campfire (Carp face-up) until the board is charred black. Turn board over (Carp face down) for 30 seconds, then back to face-up for 5 final minutes. Remove Carp from fire.
Last– but certainly not least, use the crowbar to remove the Carp from the 2×4. Throw the Carp in a garbage bag and eat the board.
The word “Carp” is used 20 times in this article. Is a Carp recipe lost if nobody wanted it? 21.

Semi-tractor trailer tries to kill boat

To those who haven’t heard, we can’t go fishing in our boat without a bucket. We have to bail out water non-stop ever since an 18-wheel semi-tractor trailer slammed into it on Interstate-94 many years ago (c. 1988).
I’ll never forget when that happened.

We weren’t fishing on the interstate. The boat was in transit to Mill Lake in Michigan’s Waterloo State Recreation Area. The wind blowing across the interstate lifted the boat, racks and rope off the roof of my brown 1980 Buick Skylark.

The boat got stuck between the front-right axles of a giant Western Star semi driving behind us in the westbound lane. We pulled the boat away from the semi’s axle and still found the oars wrapped up in the rope and racks secured to the boat. It’s only a 12-foot row-boat.

Somehow, we talked our way out of a ticket with the State Police officer. If you ask me, she wanted to cite us for breathing. But her partner said– “stupid as all hell isn’t a recognizable offense under Michigan law.” She even considered a “failure to secure our load” charge. But we got out of it. Actually, the truck driver just wanted to finish his run and get back to Montana. He refused to file a complaint. The truck driver gave us some extra rope. We straightened out the racks a little bit, tied down the boat, and still drove to Mill Lake for a day of fishing.

After unloading the boat, we found a broken seam in the stern. It tore from the impact of a Western Star pulling 23-tons of freight at 70 mph. We used a Bic lighter to melt a black plastic comb and filled in the hole. We thought we filled every crevice and had it water tight. But the boat had some surprises left for us.

We left the boat launch and immediately had problems. If we tried to row equally on both sides, the boat went hard left in a circle. The front left bow had a severe indention. We rowed at half speed on one side to go “kind of straight.”

We spent too much time trying to steer. After arriving at the far side to hit the fishing spot, we noticed the stern area had filled with water– We missed a busted rivet. We used the cooler like a bucket. We still caught a few bass, and, as usual, a dozen blue gill…
…Yes, but the Carp recipe was good.

About THE LAST COLUMNIST